On the edge...

I really feel like for the last couple of weeks I've been standing on the edge of something bigger than me. I've been dreaming for the first time since I got back from Argentina, I feel like I'm moving forward in life, I feel like big things are happening, but I don't know what they are. It's bigger than me.

It's like cliff jumping. You get to the edge and look over, and you say a little prayer that it'll turn out alright. Sometimes you jump right in. Sometimes you have to watch someone else do it first. However it turns out, you stare it down, knowing you can't let go now, that this is your chance.

Isn't it funny how a different perspective can change what everything means? In my Spanish class the other day, we were discussing a poem we read for homework. If you go for the mental image that the poem creates, you think the guy wants to get a sex change and kill nuns. However, if you have the right perspective, you realize that he's tired of society and wants to break down the barriers of government and religion. Completely different, because he works off of the denotation and not the connotation. It's a whole different ball game.

It's not what would it look like, rather, what does it suggest?

Pushing

I feel like I'm doing a lot more than I can. I think I can do it, but I'm reaching my limits.

Fortunately, I learned one very important thing on my mission - pushing the envelope is progression. If I reach my limits and then "keep moving forward" like Disney says, the only way I can go is up and out. There's no turning back.

I was talking to my roommate Holly about this yesterday. You reach a certain point in your talent or ability. Once you get there, you have to keep at it until something is perfected. It's like boiling water. When you boil water, the temperature rises steadily until it hits the point at which water boils - 100 degrees celsius. Then it stays at that temperature for anywhere from 30 seconds to a few minutes (depending on the amount of water) and only after that does it begin to boil.

I've hit 100. The only question is: When will I boil?

"It mattereth not unto me..."

I love that phrase. "It mattereth not unto me..." (D&C 60:5, and others)

The Lord wants me to be happy, and He knows that I know what I need right now. I love scripture study. What a great way to start the day - cleaning bathrooms followed by some good old fashioned scripture reading. I fasted yesterday about whether or not I really should go to Utah, just to be sure, and for inspiration on where I should live. Answer? It mattereth not. He's letting me go to Utah and I get to live wherever my little heart desires, because it mattereth not. I just need to be there.

Holy June

Wow, time flies. My birthday is in 2 weeks. I never really expected to be at this point in my life - jobless, 23, returned missionary, trying to transfer schools, etc. It's all so weird.

I have GOT to get myself in order... I'm really close, but missing a few vitals still.

Crazier Every Time

Well, I've had a very interesting couple of days...

Dustin and I are no longer friends. He is officially a jerk.

CW may or may not even be dating some girl... I think he wants to know what I'll do, or he's just being ridiculous. Either way, I need to find a way to ask him to see me before the end of August. And I need to ask him to teach me French. Oh, and maybe tell him I still sort of like him and I want to know if it'll ever work out between us.

Casey is engaged to Kasey! It freaked me out at first a bit, but our friendship is officially back to the way it should be. I don't even know what that means really, but I feel like the cosmos have aligned in the Casey department. He's doing exactly what he needs to do: marry Kasey. I'm exactly where I belong in that relationship: a good friend.

Phil is going to Utah in August. I'm excited to see him, he's put up with all my late-night rants for about 6 years now. I don't know where I'd be without him.

All of these people are boys. Ha. My best friends have always been guys. I don't know why. Except for when I was younger and no one really liked me and I instantly had a crush on any boy that would look at me without fear of the cooties. Oh, youth.

I really don't know what else to say. Oh, I met with my English teacher and I'm finally on the right page. YAY! I can't make up for what I've missed (which is only one small assignment) but I can work my butt off on the rest.

Crap - I fodged the last few questions on my Econ assignment leaving me with and 82% instead of 100. My bad.

I have got to pay more attention and NOT fall into the old habit - not going to a class anymore if I feel like I'm falling behind. I won't do it this time. I refuse. I'm stronger than that. Put yourself together Brooke! Gosh!

I'm hungry.

New-Found Strength

I didn't know I was ready for it... but I was. And I did it.

For the first time in my life, when someone tried, I said no to a kiss. I've NEVER been able to say no.




...


Good thing he took it well...

Having a Blast

I think I'm sort of losing the good balance I had last week between school work and fun with friends. I sort of went over board on the weekend with Erica here. I got it all done - that's not the problem, but I could have done it better and with more sleep. Now I'm on a friend high and I spent most of yesterday goofing off. Well, part of the goofing was productive, I gave Casey his computer back and I saw a friend I needed to see, I haven't seen her in about 3 weeks or so and I was feeling bad. Fortunately she was at my other friend's house when I visited them. Then finished off the night at Jedd's and Brigham and Jeff were there, we just kicked it back a bit. I wish I'd taken homework, they were all doing homework while I was there. All I was doing was showing off my new baby. :) I love this laptop so much.

I'm thinking a lot about this weekend, I just want it all to go well and have a good time. I'm WAY excited for lunch Tuesday with Marsh and Mierow. :) I'm also going to see Hopes and Jeff. I sense good times ahead...

A guy just passed me in the library and said, "Your computer is CUTE." I've never before heard a guy use the word cute sincerely. That was truly sincere.

You were right, Mom, it's blowing my mind... and everyone else's too. Everyone is just like, "oh, cute laptop." Then I show them that it's a Mac. And they all start FREAKING out. It's funny.

Well, back to the homework.

Getting Into the Swing of Things...

I think I'm finally getting used to everything. I've got my schedule figured out, I've got a little bit of a social life going on, all I need to do is get to sleep earlier. Facebook needs to not tempt me so.

Yesterday I was done with all my homework for today by 7 p.m. New record! Usually I use this time slot to come to the library and do everything I haven't done yet. All I have today is studying to study. I'm learning! All I'm doing right now is getting ahead and figuring out the only 2 problems I couldn't get right on my econ homework.

At least it's easy to come to the library, I now walk here every day with a guy from my D&C class. He's really nice and we get to talk about our missions for a few minutes. He served in Chile. So now I have a reason to come strait here every day instead of getting tempted to go home and rest between classes. I'm getting so good at this...

I don't really know what I talked about before my mission now, it seems like any story I tell or anything I say is in reference to something that happened on my mission. Ha.

Anyways, I guess that's it.

PS - I'm on the Mac. Score.

Mac is Back

I got here at a better time, and I got the Mac. Faster, easier, prints right, more beautiful, and I can actually do my homework. Thank you, Apple.

PC vs Mac

Classic example:

I always, always, always get on the Macs when they are available here in the library. They're what keep me sane. Today they were full up and I needed to get online to see a due date... I'm on a PC. I hate PC. The due date came up, but none of the assignments or practices will. I'm afraid to try opening a test for fear of what I could accidentally do to my grade by opening and never finishing a test.

I hate the keyboards, the shortcuts, the workings, everything of PCs. Everyone complains about the Mac price, but I DON'T CARE. 1. It lasts longer. 2. It doesn't get bogged down with viruses. 3. It doesn't get bogged down. The PC I'm working on at home right now needs to get restarted every couple of days because it gets so bogged down with crap. It'll take about 15 minutes to start, then it's fast for about 5 minutes. After that, the fun has officially ended.

I want my mac back. :(

"Forget the grade, go for the knowledge."

I'l repeat it: "Forget the grade, go for the knowledge."

I love my english class. It's so true - if I'm so focused on the grade, chances are I'll do the bare minimum to get the grade I want. It worked most of the time in high school. But then I got to the MTC. There were no grades in the MTC. There were pop quizzes, but they were never noted and saved in some huge folder telling the educational story of my life. No. What there was in the MTC was learn everything you can, because your survival over the next year and a half depends 100% on knowing this stuff. I was in it to learn.

Now I'm back in school - grades are back. I'm not trying as hard. Why? My theories:
1. I now have a social life. That didn't really exist as an option in the MTC. Sort of, but not really.
2. The grades are back. There is that bare minimum option that I'm always aware of in the back of my head. (Of course, my view of the bare minimum has officially changed. I used to think the bare minimum was a C. Now it's an A, and the bare minimum involves doing all the homework and everything - but I'm still not learning to learn. I'm learning to get stuff done.)
3. My survival does not depend on this knowledge. As much as my Economics teacher would like to believe contrary - I'll get by in life without knowing how to make a supply and demand graph.

These are the basic differences I've discerned. The issue is: I don't need to see it like that. Social life should always come second. Grades are not what I'm fighting for. Economics are sort of useful, and I have to understand the stupid supply and demand graph to get to the meatier stuff that matters.

I'm just blowing off a bit of steam, but yeah. I'm doing the minimum for As. I'm jut still procrastinating it all. If I don't change now, I'll find myself at a day where I can't get the rest done during the breaks between classes. I may have two 1.5 hour breaks, but that doesn't make waiting okay. I need to get ahead of the game. I need to do it now.

Library Days

I feel like every day is just in the Library. But it's really only a couple of hours and only on the days I'm actually on campus. I need to study more.

I met Nicky Nacc's wife last night. They're so funny. And my new best married friends. :) Melissa kept insisting on feeding me all of their snacks (I wound up with 2 otter pops and 2 glasses of Guarana) and apologizing for not having more, "Nicky's cheap." Long story short, I love her.

I wish there were more hours in the day. I'd sleep more.

Patience

Sometimes I'm not sure if the Lord is trying to teach me patience or just test the little patience I have. My piano teacher wants me to stay in the class. She says she'll work with me though to pass the stuff off bit by bit though. YES! So I've already passed off the hymn with an A and the Marche with a B+ and some of the scales. Just gotta master the rest. Stupid arpeggios and scales and crap.

Econ is becoming easier for me to understand. Barely, but something is better than nothing.

I love Spanish.

I hate job hunting.

I was just sitting here in the library, working my little tail off as usual, and thinking about how much I love my school. I'm so privileged to be here.

This morning in Doctrine and Covenants class we discussed the temple. The importance of attending. I was thinking about how tragic it is that so few people attend the temple here. Our teacher shared with us how small the sessions are when he works there on Tuesdays nights. I want so bad to go more, I don't understand how schoolwork takes such a prevalence in life. Don't get me wrong, an education is so important, but salvation comes first. And eventually I can work on exaltation. Baby steps.

I gotta get going, but that was just a thought.

I love C.S. Lewis.

What a day!

I'm getting used to the desktop computer, it's definitely an adjustment from Mac to PC. Sigh.

I had a good day though. Still NO luck on the job hunt, but my friend made a suggestion that I'll have to look in to. I'll have to check it out.

I'm super excited for this weekend, I hope everything goes well for, well, everyone!

Starting School

So the last 3 weeks were rather interesting, but after a fantastic visit to Utah and the final drive up to Idaho, I'm feeling pretty good. The only issue at hand: a job. It seems they may not be hiring spanish tutors anymore, but fortunately, my Spanish teach (whom I have yet to meet) is the head of the tutoring department, so I'll be able to speak with him before or after my class with him this afternoon.

Campus got confusing. There is a ton of construction and you have to know where you're going exactly to be able to get there. I feel bad for new people.

I'm really excited to be starting school. I really missed school and learning. So far this morning I've had Piano (Music 256) and Doctrine and Covenants (Rel 324), and now I'm just waiting in the Smith building for Econ Macro (Econ 111). This'll be fun. At least I have the info I need to take the Spanish Proficiency test.

Other really good thing about this semester: my Bishop. I met him for a grand total of 3 seconds, but he's really nice and I'm stoked to get to know him better. Bishop Bishop. Ha.

I can't believe I'm here right now. It's still just sort of freaking me out.

PS - Happy 4 weeks since I got home! AH!