On the edge...

I really feel like for the last couple of weeks I've been standing on the edge of something bigger than me. I've been dreaming for the first time since I got back from Argentina, I feel like I'm moving forward in life, I feel like big things are happening, but I don't know what they are. It's bigger than me.

It's like cliff jumping. You get to the edge and look over, and you say a little prayer that it'll turn out alright. Sometimes you jump right in. Sometimes you have to watch someone else do it first. However it turns out, you stare it down, knowing you can't let go now, that this is your chance.

Isn't it funny how a different perspective can change what everything means? In my Spanish class the other day, we were discussing a poem we read for homework. If you go for the mental image that the poem creates, you think the guy wants to get a sex change and kill nuns. However, if you have the right perspective, you realize that he's tired of society and wants to break down the barriers of government and religion. Completely different, because he works off of the denotation and not the connotation. It's a whole different ball game.

It's not what would it look like, rather, what does it suggest?

Pushing

I feel like I'm doing a lot more than I can. I think I can do it, but I'm reaching my limits.

Fortunately, I learned one very important thing on my mission - pushing the envelope is progression. If I reach my limits and then "keep moving forward" like Disney says, the only way I can go is up and out. There's no turning back.

I was talking to my roommate Holly about this yesterday. You reach a certain point in your talent or ability. Once you get there, you have to keep at it until something is perfected. It's like boiling water. When you boil water, the temperature rises steadily until it hits the point at which water boils - 100 degrees celsius. Then it stays at that temperature for anywhere from 30 seconds to a few minutes (depending on the amount of water) and only after that does it begin to boil.

I've hit 100. The only question is: When will I boil?

"It mattereth not unto me..."

I love that phrase. "It mattereth not unto me..." (D&C 60:5, and others)

The Lord wants me to be happy, and He knows that I know what I need right now. I love scripture study. What a great way to start the day - cleaning bathrooms followed by some good old fashioned scripture reading. I fasted yesterday about whether or not I really should go to Utah, just to be sure, and for inspiration on where I should live. Answer? It mattereth not. He's letting me go to Utah and I get to live wherever my little heart desires, because it mattereth not. I just need to be there.

Holy June

Wow, time flies. My birthday is in 2 weeks. I never really expected to be at this point in my life - jobless, 23, returned missionary, trying to transfer schools, etc. It's all so weird.

I have GOT to get myself in order... I'm really close, but missing a few vitals still.

Crazier Every Time

Well, I've had a very interesting couple of days...

Dustin and I are no longer friends. He is officially a jerk.

CW may or may not even be dating some girl... I think he wants to know what I'll do, or he's just being ridiculous. Either way, I need to find a way to ask him to see me before the end of August. And I need to ask him to teach me French. Oh, and maybe tell him I still sort of like him and I want to know if it'll ever work out between us.

Casey is engaged to Kasey! It freaked me out at first a bit, but our friendship is officially back to the way it should be. I don't even know what that means really, but I feel like the cosmos have aligned in the Casey department. He's doing exactly what he needs to do: marry Kasey. I'm exactly where I belong in that relationship: a good friend.

Phil is going to Utah in August. I'm excited to see him, he's put up with all my late-night rants for about 6 years now. I don't know where I'd be without him.

All of these people are boys. Ha. My best friends have always been guys. I don't know why. Except for when I was younger and no one really liked me and I instantly had a crush on any boy that would look at me without fear of the cooties. Oh, youth.

I really don't know what else to say. Oh, I met with my English teacher and I'm finally on the right page. YAY! I can't make up for what I've missed (which is only one small assignment) but I can work my butt off on the rest.

Crap - I fodged the last few questions on my Econ assignment leaving me with and 82% instead of 100. My bad.

I have got to pay more attention and NOT fall into the old habit - not going to a class anymore if I feel like I'm falling behind. I won't do it this time. I refuse. I'm stronger than that. Put yourself together Brooke! Gosh!

I'm hungry.

New-Found Strength

I didn't know I was ready for it... but I was. And I did it.

For the first time in my life, when someone tried, I said no to a kiss. I've NEVER been able to say no.




...


Good thing he took it well...

Having a Blast

I think I'm sort of losing the good balance I had last week between school work and fun with friends. I sort of went over board on the weekend with Erica here. I got it all done - that's not the problem, but I could have done it better and with more sleep. Now I'm on a friend high and I spent most of yesterday goofing off. Well, part of the goofing was productive, I gave Casey his computer back and I saw a friend I needed to see, I haven't seen her in about 3 weeks or so and I was feeling bad. Fortunately she was at my other friend's house when I visited them. Then finished off the night at Jedd's and Brigham and Jeff were there, we just kicked it back a bit. I wish I'd taken homework, they were all doing homework while I was there. All I was doing was showing off my new baby. :) I love this laptop so much.

I'm thinking a lot about this weekend, I just want it all to go well and have a good time. I'm WAY excited for lunch Tuesday with Marsh and Mierow. :) I'm also going to see Hopes and Jeff. I sense good times ahead...

A guy just passed me in the library and said, "Your computer is CUTE." I've never before heard a guy use the word cute sincerely. That was truly sincere.

You were right, Mom, it's blowing my mind... and everyone else's too. Everyone is just like, "oh, cute laptop." Then I show them that it's a Mac. And they all start FREAKING out. It's funny.

Well, back to the homework.